05-03-2021, 09:24 PM
Have you ever been to therapy? Legit question. Because I never have, and now realize how dire it actually is. We stuff down the tough feelings without fully processing them out of survival and soldier on, thinking the lesson might make us stronger. At least that's where I was at for a majority of adulthood.
And although I wouldn't trade these past couple weeks of renewal for anything, it hasn't been a bed of roses. After that bottle uncorked, a lot of other shit spilled out. Blocked memories. Deaths that I never properly mourned, including my mother and father (2017 & 2021, respectively). Relationships that I tanked. The gravity of the lonely, isolated life I've made for myself by living alone and being an introvert at hermit levels. A lot of tears. A lot of rage, screaming and yelling while driving to get it out. These are things I was subconsciously scared to face. I've even found myself talking to a 'God', despite my disbelief in a skygod. I'm basically talking to myself, but sometimes it helps bring forth those healthy tears that I've owed myself to let out.
Past few days have been the most balanced yet, though. The more I step through the 'forest of pain', the better I feel coming out the other side. Had a super-productive weekend at work, my palms were dryer than usual (my new indicator of anxiety levels is the sweatiness of my palms, which some days has been an around the clock event).
What a weird life, man. Weird world. Weird people. We didn't ask to be born into this... but now, it is finally my choice, to live through it well.
And although I wouldn't trade these past couple weeks of renewal for anything, it hasn't been a bed of roses. After that bottle uncorked, a lot of other shit spilled out. Blocked memories. Deaths that I never properly mourned, including my mother and father (2017 & 2021, respectively). Relationships that I tanked. The gravity of the lonely, isolated life I've made for myself by living alone and being an introvert at hermit levels. A lot of tears. A lot of rage, screaming and yelling while driving to get it out. These are things I was subconsciously scared to face. I've even found myself talking to a 'God', despite my disbelief in a skygod. I'm basically talking to myself, but sometimes it helps bring forth those healthy tears that I've owed myself to let out.
Past few days have been the most balanced yet, though. The more I step through the 'forest of pain', the better I feel coming out the other side. Had a super-productive weekend at work, my palms were dryer than usual (my new indicator of anxiety levels is the sweatiness of my palms, which some days has been an around the clock event).
What a weird life, man. Weird world. Weird people. We didn't ask to be born into this... but now, it is finally my choice, to live through it well.