05-03-2021, 06:50 PM
I remember chugging a bottle of vodka and smoking like a chimney while wandering about like a ghost. Couln't sleep, hadn't eaten in like three days. Alcohol did nothing, I felt stone cold sober. It was a camping holiday thing and she was in another tent with some dude - in my pride I thought that I could handle it, but noone is supposed to handle all of that at once.
It's like seeing a guy carrying an absurd tower of plates, then he drops them all because of course they'll drop, and then he blames himself for not balancing the plates properly and we say dude no, the problem is that you're not supposed to be holding all those plates.
Later in the evening I asked to talk to her and told her everything and that I had to leave. She was angry and disappointed at me for doing this to her. I remember feeling nothing about it, just like I couldn't feel hunger or drunkenness or anything else. Her anger was just another plate in the pile at that point. That night I kept drinking and smoking and walking in circles until morning, when I packed my things - bag full of food - and grabbed a bus home. I cried then, and I remember so vividly that I was crying and realizing I had no idea how to cry.
Here's the problem - I was 21? 22, that kind of age. Too young to understand the monumental task ahead. Didn't even realize I had a task. I got better but I learned some very wrong lessons that I carried to this day. Recently found myself looking back at myself and thinking god, that guy just needed a hug that never came. And it was that shift - from contempt to love - that sort of clicked for me. This time I cried again but out of compassion, empathy, with the sadness that I've been carrying since I was a little kid being humiliated at school for being a little too different.
Awareness is a godsend. I'm glad it came to you. I honestly think you stumbled onto something that we're all supposed to stumble on eventually. It feels like waking up a little. But I have to admit, it's hard to carry it through the day. I have so many loose ends and I now know that I need to let them go, but it's so counter-intuitive that it has me spiraling like I did this weekend.
It's like seeing a guy carrying an absurd tower of plates, then he drops them all because of course they'll drop, and then he blames himself for not balancing the plates properly and we say dude no, the problem is that you're not supposed to be holding all those plates.
Later in the evening I asked to talk to her and told her everything and that I had to leave. She was angry and disappointed at me for doing this to her. I remember feeling nothing about it, just like I couldn't feel hunger or drunkenness or anything else. Her anger was just another plate in the pile at that point. That night I kept drinking and smoking and walking in circles until morning, when I packed my things - bag full of food - and grabbed a bus home. I cried then, and I remember so vividly that I was crying and realizing I had no idea how to cry.
Here's the problem - I was 21? 22, that kind of age. Too young to understand the monumental task ahead. Didn't even realize I had a task. I got better but I learned some very wrong lessons that I carried to this day. Recently found myself looking back at myself and thinking god, that guy just needed a hug that never came. And it was that shift - from contempt to love - that sort of clicked for me. This time I cried again but out of compassion, empathy, with the sadness that I've been carrying since I was a little kid being humiliated at school for being a little too different.
Awareness is a godsend. I'm glad it came to you. I honestly think you stumbled onto something that we're all supposed to stumble on eventually. It feels like waking up a little. But I have to admit, it's hard to carry it through the day. I have so many loose ends and I now know that I need to let them go, but it's so counter-intuitive that it has me spiraling like I did this weekend.
![[Image: iPJsc4U.png]](https://i.imgur.com/iPJsc4U.png)