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Warning [2] Undefined variable $announcements - Line: 44 - File: inc/plugins/bam.php(376) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unreadreports - Line: 38 - File: global.php(961) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unapproved_shade - Line: 2 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1738) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "thankyoulike" - Line: 5 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1738) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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/inc/class_error.php 153 errorHandler->error
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unapproved_shade - Line: 2 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1738) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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/inc/class_error.php 153 errorHandler->error
/inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1738) : eval()'d code 2 errorHandler->error_callback
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/inc/class_plugins.php 142 thankyoulike_postbit
/inc/functions_post.php 885 pluginSystem->run_hooks
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "thankyoulike" - Line: 5 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1738) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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/inc/class_error.php 153 errorHandler->error
/inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1738) : eval()'d code 5 errorHandler->error_callback
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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/inc/class_error.php 153 errorHandler->error
/inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php 1351 errorHandler->error_callback
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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/inc/class_error.php 153 errorHandler->error
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unapproved_shade - Line: 2 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1738) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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/inc/class_error.php 153 errorHandler->error
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/inc/functions_post.php 885 pluginSystem->run_hooks
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "thankyoulike" - Line: 5 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1738) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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/inc/class_error.php 153 errorHandler->error
/inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php 1351 errorHandler->error_callback
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/inc/functions_post.php 885 pluginSystem->run_hooks
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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/inc/class_error.php 153 errorHandler->error
/inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php 1351 errorHandler->error_callback
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/inc/class_plugins.php 142 thankyoulike_postbit
/inc/functions_post.php 885 pluginSystem->run_hooks
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unapproved_shade - Line: 2 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1738) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "thankyoulike" - Line: 5 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1738) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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/inc/class_error.php 153 errorHandler->error
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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/inc/class_error.php 153 errorHandler->error
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unapproved_shade - Line: 2 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1738) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "thankyoulike" - Line: 5 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1738) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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/inc/class_error.php 153 errorHandler->error
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unapproved_shade - Line: 2 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1723) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unapproved_shade - Line: 2 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1723) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unapproved_shade - Line: 2 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1723) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unapproved_shade - Line: 2 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1723) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unapproved_shade - Line: 2 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1723) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unapproved_shade - Line: 2 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1723) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $unapproved_shade - Line: 2 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php(1723) : eval()'d code PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined variable $prefix - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "remowntylfromc" - Line: 1351 - File: inc/plugins/thankyoulike.php PHP 8.2.16 (Linux)
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Perth Thread
#46
poop hehe
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#47
hey yall sup hows everything good? uh huh. mmhm. yep. mhm.

anyway, shut up a second, listen

....

hear that
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#48
its the sound of a dysfunctional man nearing 40 finally getting his shit together

how tf did i not realize ive had severe chronic anxiety for decades and it is the underlying cause of my worst habits and choices

never gotten professional mental help before, but im starting therapy next month to unpack my timeline of serial traumas on some poor doctor
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#49
anyway i quit cigarettes and caffeine, which were cornerstones of my everyday diet. scaled back on the weed (lets not get too quit happy over here)

if it raises my heart rate, im out. even started exercising more and eating healthy. I only drink water and decaffeinated hot tea

who the motherfuck am i anymore
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#50
the results have been incredible. free-flowing serotonin and a real sense of contentment with life... this is uncharted waters for me

side effects also include (but not limited to): multiposting, oversharing, being much too chatty in general, oversharing, constant repeating and multiposting
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#51
That's great man. Nicotine is a bitch but if you're in a good place mentally I'm sure you'll handle the withdrawal. It hits like a truck about 4 to 6 months in and if definitely feels like anxiety too.

I caved this weekend and bought a pack after spiraling downwards in my mental state. I'm recovering now because the cigs helped a lot and I'm not happy that they did. But they'll be gone.

Clarity of mind is dope. 40 is a great age to get back on your feet, so much ahead of you and none of the lingering teenage stuff of your 20s nor the uncertainty of your 30s.
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#52
Thanks, brother. Every little bit of support truly counts these days. And in the spirit of the old general forum, this post will be properly capitalized & punctuated (mostly)

Cards on the table, been cheating with a little vape thingy. 6mg nicotine juice to ween off cigarettes and moderate my intake in general. Still feeling tons better, i swear cigarettes have tons of other addictive chemicals besides the 'tine. Caffeine was surprisingly easy to quit, in fact it seems the energy naturally kicks in even quicker in the morning than it ever did. Who knew?

Healthy eating and being more active has done wonders for my mental and physical state. It's like I was inducing my own depression all these years. The drugs probably didn't help much either, I was a fiend for opioids since 1999. Changing the whole game has made dealing with addictions soooo much easier.

Lastly, seeing that the soonest therapy appt I could get is June 29, I've been taking steps to 'un-bottle' my feelings. Made some apologies to people I've wronged in the past, telling loved ones how I really feel, writing in a journal when feeling down or lost... all have been incredibly helpful.

Never realized how much damage bottling up your feelings can really do. Even when thoughts come that provoke emotions, i let it out. Scream, cry, laugh, whatever, just let it in then let it out, and trying not act on them. However, I'm also now less hesitant to talk shit/be sarcastic to strangers that are being dicks, which feels good but might land me a black eye soon. I can take it, tough as fuckin nails over here.
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#53
Dude I tried quitting coffee several times because (TMI warning) between that and the booze I had a mild case of hemorrhoids on top of the damage it was doing to my nervous system and mood. I failed. Guaranteed the second toughest drug to quit after alcohol (which I couldn't quit yet) and it's all because of how heavy caffeine withdrawal is. Can't work or function without it. I've been trying to replace coffee with green tea at least because it's softer but still. That's a substance I'd like to quit.

It's not cheating if you're using the vape to soften the blow of dropping nicotine. This shit is both physically and mentally addictive and most people ween off rather than go cold turkey. My dad was using this chewing gum that relieves symptoms, off the pharmacy. Still he relapsed recently. It's a journey, and it's ok to lose sometimes as long as you don't stop going.

Honestly the ego trap is what screws me the most. I've been working hard in trying to welcome bad feelings rather than dwell in them. That's the uphill battle for me, because the fucking depression is the trigger to everything else. I got a few months of freedom before this weekend and honestly I'll take that as a win.
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#54
i wish you both the best of luck in weaning yourselves off nicotine, it sure ain't easy.

I packed that shit in in august '18. i'd gone to visit some family on vacation and didn't smoke for four days. after driving home, i opened the box i had left from before i went and smoked like four in really quick succession, which actually made me end up feeling quite sick after not having one for four days.

later on that day i had to go buy food, and on leaving the shop, groceries under my arm, it dawned on me that i hadn't also stopped to buy more (i was still feeling a bit ill) at which point i realised that i actually have a good chance of kicking the habit for good. now here we and i haven't had a cig in ages. to be clear, i don't smoke daily, weekly, or even monthly, i've just had a few when drunk from time to time, because it now actually makes me feel really ill. feels good.

also k-man yes, cigs do have a large number of other chemicals and additives
4781 Days and counting
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#55
First time I quit smoking was for all the wrong reasons. I was coming down from a summer binge where I completely wrecked myself over a few weeks. I fell to a point where I was hating myself for dropping so low, and also hating myself for knowIng I was doing it and not stopping myself from doing it. In a weird way cigarettes were a good thing that were helping me through it, and out of self-loathing I decided to stop smoking as a way to get a grip.

I stopped smoking to punish myself. So really, I stopped doing a harmful thing as a form of self-harm. And it worked, for a time, but of course the whole premise is unsustainable, so after a year I started feeling better and the addict mind kicked in, like "hey why don't you smoke some to celebrate? punishment over" so I did.

My most recent quit was much closer to do with self love than self hate. But the bad is still there, creeps in, draws me back down. It's ok - like I said, I'm learning to accept that that's a part of me rather than fight it.
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#56
I remember feeling the anxiety from not smoking and relishing in it like the suffering was meaningful in a way

Bad ego, bad bad
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#57
Yo, I'm digging all this opening up going on here. Spame therapy... who knew?

Since we're hitting TMI levels (I, too, have hemorrhoids, but glad to report that since improving my health they're virtually non-existent now), I'll let you guys in on how I got to this point. Basically, I hit rock bottom emotionally. The absolute worst I ever felt in my life, to the point where I wanted to die... not out of suicidal depression, but as a mercy killing. Here's the deets:

Met a woman. We started hanging out and talking and clicked really well, and her being very attractive sent my heart on its natural course. The frequency of our time together increased, grew more comfortable... but I locked up. Locked myself the fuck up, couldn't defeat my own anxiety and tell her how I felt. Even if I got shot down, it should've been put out there. I was fucking. frozen.

Then I found out she was fucking some dude she works with. He's a total fuckin knob, but good looking enough where I can understand where she's coming from (no pun intended). All while her and I are hanging out nearly every day, but in her defense, she is single and unaware of my interest. My inaction led to these events, and the hurt inside was too much.... all the shit I've bottled up over the years, this was the very last thing that simply didn't fit. The bottle was full.

Subsequently, I lost my appetite the day I found out. Completely. Thinking about foods I regularly enjoy incited no appetitie within me, and I was subsisting on meal drinks, chewable multivitamins and more cigarettes than ever before. Occasionally, the starvation was overwhelming and I'd choke down something really light, but I went to bed starving and woke up starving. For 2 weeks straight. It started affecting my brain, my concentration was at goldfish levels, and I'd spend the first 8-10 hours of the day frozen in terror on my couch, distracting my pain with TV and my phone. Two fucking weeks of this shit.

On the final day of that hell, I was scrolling through TikTok (shut up i know im old) and came across a video: 5 Signs You Have High-Functioning Chronic Anxiety. All 5 signs struck a chord, but one of them was the epiphany moment -- "You bottle your feelings and don't express your true emotions to those around you." This. This is what was killing me, and it dawned on me that I have a severe anxiety condition. Being willing to do anything to break out of that tortuous hellscape, the next day I sacked up (after a full hour of picking up my phone and putting it back down) and texted her. Asked if we can meet up and talk. Then I told her everything, absolutely everything, from the video that enlightened me to my actual state to how I felt about her, and also that I know about her and that dude. The talk went incredibly well, I was very honest and she was receptive. I even said it's ok if she doesn't feel the same, just wanted to put the truth out there. I didn't shoot my shot, I laid down my gun. She was a class act about the whole thing, and we are still friends.

Within hours of meeting with her, I was HUNGRY. Ready to eat like a fucking savage. That first meal moved me to tears, it was so wonderful to eat food again. I knew now what had to be done: get help. Starting with helping myself. I researched the multiple symptoms of anxiety and starting working on reversing them. Anything that raises my heart rate, out. Stopped doing too much people pleasing. Balanced out my diet and looked into calming techniques, like deep breathing and Chamomile tea. All of these new additions to my repertoire were very successfully pushing me away from that awful feeling I was enduring for too long. The momentum is real, and I'm making more progress every day. I am RUNNING from that rock bottom that I hit, my "Under The Bridge" moment.

Tl;dr: it took hitting my lowest low before the positive changes could actualize. I've tried quitting smoking dozens of times, but only for the sake of quitting because I should. I didn't want to, I enjoy smoking, so those quits never stuck. It was insufficient motivation.  So I hate to say it, but something may have to nearly break you before you truly commit to ending a bad habit. It worked for me, but I would never wish on even my worst enemy.
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#58
I remember chugging a bottle of vodka and smoking like a chimney while wandering about like a ghost. Couln't sleep, hadn't eaten in like three days. Alcohol did nothing, I felt stone cold sober. It was a camping holiday thing and she was in another tent with some dude - in my pride I thought that I could handle it, but noone is supposed to handle all of that at once.

It's like seeing a guy carrying an absurd tower of plates, then he drops them all because of course they'll drop, and then he blames himself for not balancing the plates properly and we say dude no, the problem is that you're not supposed to be holding all those plates.

Later in the evening I asked to talk to her and told her everything and that I had to leave. She was angry and disappointed at me for doing this to her. I remember feeling nothing about it, just like I couldn't feel hunger or drunkenness or anything else. Her anger was just another plate in the pile at that point. That night I kept drinking and smoking and walking in circles until morning, when I packed my things - bag full of food - and grabbed a bus home. I cried then, and I remember so vividly that I was crying and realizing I had no idea how to cry.

Here's the problem - I was 21? 22, that kind of age. Too young to understand the monumental task ahead. Didn't even realize I had a task. I got better but I learned some very wrong lessons that I carried to this day. Recently found myself looking back at myself and thinking god, that guy just needed a hug that never came. And it was that shift - from contempt to love - that sort of clicked for me. This time I cried again but out of compassion, empathy, with the sadness that I've been carrying since I was a little kid being humiliated at school for being a little too different.

Awareness is a godsend. I'm glad it came to you. I honestly think you stumbled onto something that we're all supposed to stumble on eventually. It feels like waking up a little. But I have to admit, it's hard to carry it through the day. I have so many loose ends and I now know that I need to let them go, but it's so counter-intuitive that it has me spiraling like I did this weekend.
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#59
Have you ever been to therapy? Legit question. Because I never have, and now realize how dire it actually is. We stuff down the tough feelings without fully processing them out of survival and soldier on, thinking the lesson might make us stronger. At least that's where I was at for a majority of adulthood.

And although I wouldn't trade these past couple weeks of renewal for anything, it hasn't been a bed of roses. After that bottle uncorked, a lot of other shit spilled out. Blocked memories. Deaths that I never properly mourned, including my mother and father (2017 & 2021, respectively). Relationships that I tanked. The gravity of the lonely, isolated life I've made for myself by living alone and being an introvert at hermit levels. A lot of tears. A lot of rage, screaming and yelling while driving to get it out. These are things I was subconsciously scared to face. I've even found myself talking to a 'God', despite my disbelief in a skygod. I'm basically talking to myself, but sometimes it helps bring forth those healthy tears that I've owed myself to let out.

Past few days have been the most balanced yet, though. The more I step through the 'forest of pain', the better I feel coming out the other side. Had a super-productive weekend at work, my palms were dryer than usual (my new indicator of anxiety levels is the sweatiness of my palms, which some days has been an around the clock event).

What a weird life, man. Weird world. Weird people. We didn't ask to be born into this... but now, it is finally my choice, to live through it well.
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#60
God is with you whether you care for it or not. Doesn't have to be a christian God or a deity at all, but it's there. I call it the I.

I haven't been to therapy but it wasn't for lack of motivation. In this country only recently a non-clinical take on therapy started to emerge, but the stranglehold of clinicalism is still brutal. By which I mean that psychologists themselves have a motivation to be a kind of doctor for the mind rather than guides for those who are lost. Psychotherapists do exist though, and some very good ones, but they are private practice and it takes money that I don't have to support those consults.

I know I joke about being poor but I have been living in technical poverty for years and years. I say technical rather than actual poverty because I am supported by my parents (I contribute with manual labour). I've been pushed out of the academic path by a variety of factors that would take too long to number but they also are related with my repeating pattern of loneliness and isolation.

So lack of a stable job means no money and to go to therapy I have to either have the cash to talk to a good psychologist or I have to go through the system and meet a psychologist at the clinic where they are famously... clinical. Note that I live in a small rural village, so even that would require moving to the nearest clinic which is a longish drive away.

So yeah I kinda had to therapy myself through meditation and reflection. I expect that by the end of this year I'll be, for the first time in my life, in a comfortable financial situation so maybe then I'll give it a go. I do need it a lot. I know that I have baggage beyond the baggage that I can actually recognize.
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