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Okay so this is for anybody who's still with me, and if you're still with me then I'm so sorry. What I mean is people who are actually believing every bit of my story, because every bit of it is true. If you know that just by reading it as it unfolds, then you're like me. You're yearning for death, and frustrated that you're stuck here. Well here's how I genuinely found a sense of peace in all of it: meditation and yoga.

It's how I make it through everything, it allows me to empty my mind and just be. It's how I managed to find myself despite what on paper has been one of the hardest lives ever lived. This is my thesis, and thank you for reading it.

There really is hope for people with broken souls. Those of us brave or stupid enough to follow everything to it's logical conclusion. Everything ends, and eventually it all turns to dust. We're probably just individual, mostly powerless, lonely people sentenced to live in whatever hell we wind up building ourselves. For me, it's my trauma that I still don't believe I can ever escape. As I write this, I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't thinking about how suicide is still the most likely way I'll die. I've been sick of living since I was 8, and I'm riddled with illness. Fibromyalgia, PTSD, and ADHD to name a few. I probably have Bipolar Disorder, something proposed by my friend when we started all of this, whatever it's become. That's at least the working diagnosis of the psychiatrist who treated and signed off on my release at the hospital, my ongoing psychiatrist, and at this point myself. It's why I'm constantly either empty or full, completely. By now I hope I've painted enough truths on the wall for anybody who stumbles onto this to come with me, all the way to hell and back. And hopefully it's not quite as painful for you.

There's a bliss in annihilation. The Buddhists and so many others have known that for longer than I care to look up. It's where we're all headed eventually, in some form. Nobody gets to know the face of god, or whether there is one at all. We're all mortal, and the best we get to hope for is something that's become rare: a fulfilling death. Well here's how I turned mine from a snubnose revolver and a spliff at the end of a lonely day to some bizarre fever dream of an intergalactic battle where I somehow got what any survivor is worthy of: a warriors death.

You can probably tell I'm an artist. A musician, specifically. And music has saved my life in more ways than I can recount by now. It's so cliche that I don't have to explain it. I'm not ashamed of being a walking stereotype anymore. I found god on my knees in mud and midnight dew, listening to Planetary, by Rainer Maria, a song that finally explained how I lived most of my life. Of course I'm an atheist still, but what I mean is that I found some semblance of myself that had remained constant after everything. It was literally, the song I was trying to write. The source of my writer's block, in audible form. I'm just going to put a list right here of some of the best anti-suicide anthems that I know, because it's that important.

Planetary, Rainer Maria
3rd Planet, Modest Mouse
The Difference Between Medicine And Poison, Circa Survive
This Year, Mountain Goats
Your Heart is a Muscle the Size of Your Fist, Ramshackle Glory
Always Focused, Tiny Moving Parts
Swan Dive, Waxahatchee
American Weekend, Waxahatchee
People 2: the Reckoning, AJJ
E, Tricot
Depreston, Courtney Barnett
You Were Cool, Mountain Goats
In The Aeroplane Over the Sea
Two Headed Boy, Pt. 2, Neutral Milk Hotel
PUP, Guilt
PUP, Sleep in the Heat
Laura Stevenson, Runner
Laura Stevenson, the Healthy One
Against Me!, We Did it All for Don
Against Me!, True Trans Soul Rebel
Against Me!, Gender Dysphoria Blues
Against Me!, Paralytic States
The Hotelier, Home, Like Noplace There Is

That last one I included as the only entire album because it's an album purpose built to help cope with the idea that nobody knows if there's anything more significant going on in the universe than a bunch of bleeps and bloops. I included a post with a live performance in a separate thread. It's an old concept in music, that to truly get somewhere interesting you have to ask god, or the universe. And to do that, first you need a clear enough question. Once you have that, you'll have your perfect song, which will gather enough momentum for you to perform it. If you do it all the right way, you'll really get an audience with the divine presence behind the human spirit, whatever that may be. A genuine, unique memory of human connection. Ideally to a crowd of people in honor of a friend who didn't make it a la the Hotelier, but a really good piece of art stands alone. Some of the best things I've ever written have been sat on for literal years before I could get them to come out the right way. Those songs started by being performed to a friend or two, and ended up becoming the foundation of my identity at some point after I dropped out of university in a desperate attempt to find myself.

Which brings me back to the night that I agreed to end up writing this post, here, on this particular forum. It's about showing people that there really is nothing to fear. When you get too close to the bad answer of one of life's great mysteries, something will always happen to ground you back to the only reality that exists: the one in front of you. Consciousness is completely malleable if you stress it hard enough, but there's only one place to come back to in the end, and that's your own sense of self. It's a literal law of the universe as far as I'm concerned, and I've been performing neo-pagan rituals for months to summon god from all of this machinery to give me a fucking answer as to what the hell makes everything tick. Well, I'm still an atheist, still low-key suicidal but not remotely in danger of acting or planning to act on it because I've found some strange sense of peace through a combination of philosophy, therapy, yoga, meditation, music, and just surviving long enough to see how consistent it all is. The nihilists were right all along, it's fine to just exist!

By now I don't truly care about proving that I wrote the grand unified theory (it's that electrons are holes in space-time), but it matters for posterity that I mention it here.


Disclaimer: I have no idea if this will work for anybody else, but I figured I'd put it here for anyone weird and tragic enough for it to actually work for, because that means like me, you've earned it.

Start meditating on that live set by the Hotelier. It's a message to god, and the response is just fucking breathe. There's a song there that can cause you to enter a meditative trance where you see your own funeral. This is the trick: you have to trick yourself into believing that the singularity is within spitting distance of now. For me, this twisted it through a fever dream sequence of variations. I saw myself as a victim of violence, as well as suicide, with all of my friends present to bear witness. WARNING: this in and of itself is hugely traumatic and only really possible for the truly depressed, and upon repeat attempts to visit the moment of their own death. Eventually, I just let my friend's hypnotic prompts that are still kicking around somewhere in my brain paint what I can only describe as a totally dope scene. Here's my shitty attempt to describe how I want to die, and listen up god because you know I'll tell them what you told me if you don't make it happen:
I dropped out of a spaceship orbiting Mars wearing an exoskeleton. No chutes or rockets, just a graceful freefall that landed in a slightly staggered landing that fell back into something resembling a mountain pose. The suit, and whatever biomedical enhancements a person can get in this future is what cushions the blow. I'm before an advancing horde of fleshy monsters, cancer made sentient. It's the end of humanity, our tiny solar empire wiped out by the same advancing tide that has silenced every other light in the dark before us. It's why we were all alone, we were the last ones to realize it's best to simply be. We would fall victim to an alien force too nightmarish to be real, as if our literal fears had found us while we were sleeping in a near post-future daze. Other troopers were following me, seeking what a few of us hoped would be one of the last phyrric victories before we found some true salvation. I knew the truth, that's why I was the first to leap. Seconds later, we are in the fray. Gauss rifles, rockets, and plasma torches illuminate a rapid defeat for the forces defending the evacuating city. I'm engulfed first, and determined to make it count. My body is a weapon as I calmly fire off the plasma torch on my wrist and carve an escape from the horde that is enveloping me. Severing grotesque limbs and tentacles, I fight towards the atmosphere. The Creature grabs me in a massive claw, trapping me in a vice grip. A scene everybody has witnessed before, the last valiant thrashes of a defeated warrior. But I can't be taken, not like this. My death must have a funeral. I manage to drive the torch into the bulging eye beside the gaping maw before me, and I feel it. My life support systems are past failing, and reinforcements wont make it in time, but I feel the release of the Creature. I must have finally done it, stopped the centerpiece of the growth that was overtaking our civilization as it had every other one it encountered. Someone familiar is rushing to try to resuscitate me, but I'm already too far gone.

And all of my closest friends who weathered the storm will be there. I'll know their faces by then, each and every one. And there will be a mournful song, and a black dress, and a final, eternal rest.
there's no way i'm gonna read all of this but i see some good songs there
also i recently saw pup live and some chick broke her arm in the mosh pit which somewhat dampened the mood
once again silenced for being brave enough to tell the uncofortable and controversial truth
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[-] The following 4 users Like risbolla Moderator's post:
  • Ben, Delirious Biznasty Good Egg, K-Man Moderator, Zomber_Jesus
alright now that she’s not gonna read this im gonna be real TDB is such a shitty against me album compared to white crosses
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This kind of infighting is exactly why the fascists are winning
I got a tiny olive tree recently that has been doing so well. But today my idiot cat bit off the biggest branch right in front of me and I have never felt such confusing a mix of sadness disappointment and anger
(12-12-2019, 11:46 AM)fat lesbian Wrote: alright now that she’s not gonna read this im gonna be real TDB is such a shitty against me album compared to white crosses

i'm ridiculously offended right now
don’t be mad at me for being right be mad at yourself
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I already am you're not helping
bamboo bones >>>
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(12-12-2019, 06:39 PM)Zomber_Jesus Wrote: I got a tiny olive tree recently that has been doing so well. But today my idiot cat bit off the biggest branch right in front of me and I have never felt such confusing a mix of sadness disappointment and anger

was it out of a weird olive lust? my cat loves olives like other cats go crazy about catnip
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(12-12-2019, 11:46 AM)fat lesbian Wrote: alright now that she’s not gonna read this im gonna be real TDB is such a shitty against me album compared to white crosses

tbh i'll fight you on that one. post transition laura is infinitely more powerful than her former incarnations. like i would also put shapeshift with me over white crosses.
im still right about bamboo bones. I saw them in Detroit a few years ago frank iero opened
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